Actual e-mail sent this week to staff at my previous job

I've highlighted my favorite parts. Suddenly my new working environment--a very cold, ugly, windowless basement--doesn't seem so bad.


Hello All –

We will be having [the building] bombed to remove the fleas this Wednesday at 3:30. We have been informed by Facilities that we only need to close the SOUTH side of [the building, where trillwing worked]. This process will take approximately four hours, so please do not plan on returning to your work station that day. We will still be answering the phones and helping clients in the best way we can during this time. We will forward our front line to a line in [building] North.

[Jane] will be buying large garbage bags to cover computer equipment, printers, etc.

Please make sure all food and food-related items are removed from the building. These include: food in the refrigerator, silverware, snacks on shelves, in your cubbies, candy, snacks in the front lobby, food containers, plates and bowls, coffee grinders, napkins, Kleenex, sponges, and paper towels.

Please make sure the following are also covered: toasters, water coolers, phones, plants, photos, and things where fleas won’t live but you don’t want ruined by the spray/chemicals.

You will be responsible for wiping down your area the next morning.

If you have questions, please contact me.

Thanks,

[Mary]


If I still worked in that office, the rapid beep-boop-beep sounds you would hear would be me calling OSHA.