Monday, March 17, 2008

What's been on my mind



And oh. . .did I mention? Babies.

I've written before about our ambivalence about having another child. On the one hand, we very much want Lucas to have a sibling, and we love him so much that we'd like to have another one just like him. (As if that could happen.)

On the other hand, we don't have the extra $1,000+ to keep a future 6-month-old in daycare, diapers, and formula. I know, I know--people work around that. We don't have to use daycare (there goes Mr. Trillwing's sanity!), we can use cloth diapers, and I could breastfeed (if breastfeeding didn't rank among the worst experiences of my life). Yes, we could all be ideal parents if we had the world enough and time (and insensitive nipples).

I also am ambivalent about being pregnant again. I'm in the worst shape of my life, and being pregnant wouldn't help. I want to be fit again, and I'm taking steps (literally--I wear a pedometer now to keep track) to get there. I'd also prefer not to repeat the whole sleep deprivation thing.

We're leaning more and more, therefore, toward being a one-child family. This makes more sense economically and environmentally.

Of course, what makes just as much sense environmentally is to adopt a child already on the planet.

So while we haven't made any final decisions (we're leaving the door open to another pregnancy, for example), we're also beginning to look behind Door #2, Adoption. We're cautious because Mr. Trillwing was adopted at 14 months and was already pretty messed up (no offense, Sweetie!), and we'd be looking to adopt a child younger than Lucas, but not necessarily by much.

I think because of our financial situation and my last little shreds of desire to have another baby of my own (despite my ambivalence about actually being pregnant and breastfeeding, I melt when I see babies), we won't take steps toward adoption--the first step apparently is to take a class--for at least six months to a year. But Mr. Trillwing will be 46 in April, and he feels his new-parent clock ticking down.

Earlier this month, I thought I was pregnant, as I had many of the symptoms. Maybe I was pregnant--who knows? But when I found out I wasn't pregnant, I was at once disappointed and relieved.

Babies. (ugh!)

Babies. (squeal!)

I'm in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts--but I lack negative capability on this one, folks--too much irritable reaching after fact and reason.


Addy N. said...

Oh, Trillwing! I know EXACTLY how you feel. We had a couple of "scares" over the years and they always got me thinking about having another baby. We went back and forth about just sticking with one and having one more for about the past five or six years. As it turns out, we ended up waiting for tenure and are now finally having our second after nine years! I'm not sure how old you are and whether that is factoring into your concerns about going through another pregnancy or not (I'll be 38 this year). Good luck with your decisions! Just know that whatever happens, you will work things out and your family will be your own special one.

susan said...

I was remembering your ambivalent posts about #2 when you hinted a few posts back about potential news.

As a fellow ambivalent-about-#2 person, I wish you and Mr. T. peace in your decisions.