New hire

Hi there. I'm Obadiah, the new hire. (You can call me "Obi.")

I've just been granted a lifetime appointment--my new mistress calls it "tenure" and says it jealously (whatever)--to help out around this place.

There have been a few speed bumps--there's one kid who's been around here about three years, and he's not making my transition particularly easy, but I put up with him because hey, I'm the new guy, so who am I to say what's right or not?

That said, I do like my new position. It's kind of a couch warmer/gardener/fashion critic/interior designer/body artist mashup. I've been updating the carpets a bit--you know, chewed a hole in one of them, vomited on another, peed on a few. It's all good.

I've also shared with my mistress my distaste for her favorite pair of shoes, some spotless red mules. They were Aerosoles, and really, who shops there? She's much better than that.

I'm also helping to fertilize the lawn--I am very efficient at this, a one-dog pooping machine--and to reduce the compost pile by eating its latest additions and then--you guessed it--fertilizing the lawn and tinting the carpet with my vomit.

Finally, you should know I'm kind of edgy, fashion-wise. See, I'm big into scarring. So I take every chance I get to give my new employers scratches or even small puncture wounds. They send me to my office--more of a penalty box, really--after these incidents, or slip a muzzle on me for a few minutes if I get really out of control, but for the most part they seem to accept that this is a lifelong hobby of mine.

I also fancy myself a bit of a bouncer--in two senses. First, I work very hard to keep the dogs next door from breaking through the fence from their side. I accomplish this by trying to break through the fence from my side. Second, I literally bounce off the walls. My new employers alternately find this entertaining and worthy of more time spent in my office.

Anyway, any tips you can give me on adjusting to life at this place are welcome. I do want to get ahead--especially of that kid I mentioned earlier. He's kind of bossy, a little know-it-all.