Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Letters to products from my bathroom cupboards

Because I've been meaning to whine, dammit. This post is not for the queasy, I assure you.

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Dear Always ultra thin pads with LeakGuard Core(TM)+ Barriers,

I have always been a big fan of you, especially since you slimmed down in the 1990s. That said, I am sick and tired of you changing your packaging, labeling, and design every two months. It's hard to find you on the store shelves, and your latest "improvements" aren't beneficial at all.

First, the sticky part is now too sticky. When I try to remove a pad, it tears apart. Icky!

Second, the slick little piece of wax paper that covers your wings when you're first removed from the wrapper really, really, really need not tell me to "Have a happy period."

Seriously.

Your monthly friend,

trillwing

* * *

Dear Bausch & Lomb PureVision Toric contact lenses,

You suck. You are waaaaaaay too thick. You chafe my eyes. I don't know why I didn't notice this when I tried on the sample pair at the optometrist's office. They told me you're the improved version of my old contacts. And now I'm stuck with a year's supply of you and I am not happy. Seriously, who would wear you for 30 days nonstop? I can't keep you in my eyes for an hour without wanting to claw my corneas.

Bloodshottily yours,

trillwing

* * *

Dear Maximum Strength Wart-Off,

Every time I begin to use you during my biannual battles with plantar wars, you get my hopes up. You work for six weeks, and then. . .then you stop working altogether. Why, why?! You know that means I must go get liquid nitrogen treatments, which means blisters, which means I can't walk for two days.

You are a vicious tease.

Salicylically yours,

trillwing

* * *

Dear Band-Aid Brand Adhesive Bandages 85th Anniversary Collector's Edition tin,

You seduced me in the store. I was looking for the distinctive Band-Aid tin smell of my childhood. Where is it? You merely smell ever-so-mildly perfumed. I long for that nauseatingly plasticky scent that evokes maternal and paternal care.

Damn you!

trillwing

* * *

Dear citalopram,

I loooooooove you, but I would like to end my dependence on affair with you. Why, why must it be such a bitch to live without you?

Yours in enhanced serotonin levels,

trillwing

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Laughing. Can I be a co-signer on the letter to Always? What is WITH the packaging changes every two months, anyway?

Ianqui said...

I'm sorry you have such a large supply of contacts that you have to deal with, but in the future may I recommend SofLens66? They're toric too, and I have had nothing but love for them.

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Hahahaha. I love this. I had the exact same thoughts on Always, and especially about the "Have a happy period". There's part of me that continually reponds, "Don't tell me what to do, inanimate object."

Anonymous said...

Dear Trillwing,

You had me at "your monthly friend."

Adoringly,

Corndog

P.S. Do you have anything in your bathroom cupboards to reduce the irritation of coffee in the sinuses? Just wondering.

Alice said...

Try Kotex Ultra Thin pads -- maybe you will like them better.

Honeybee said...

I was going to write a post about "have a happy period" too. ARGH. And yeah, what's up with the package changes? Last month I accidentally bought *scented* pads because I didn't notice it on the package. Bleh!

When I had my first period as a kid long long ago, Kotex had a logo that said Kotex Understands. It made me angry every time. "I'm ten years old and bleeding, you do NOT understand!"

We should all change jobs and be copywriters for these people. Something like "We know it sucks. Just a few more days!"

Rhonda said...

My optomotrist lets me return unopened packages of contacts if I don't like them or my prescription changes. Perhaps that would work for you?

Susan M said...

And speaking of the band-aids, what IS it with scented everything? Honestly, I buy deoderant because I DONT' WANT my armpits to smell! Not like body odor and not like "sea-fresh breezes!"

Rev Dr Mom said...

ROTFL..and may I add that as someone of an age who doesn't have to buy certain products on a regular basis anymore, that when I DO need to buy them, it would be nice to know what the fireplace I was getting....so ixnay on the constant packaging changes!

And "have a happy period"? Gak!!

Queen of West Procrastination said...

Blogger ate my former comment, but I was heartily agreeing with susan m about scented products. It's especially annoying how hard it is to find unscented products (and especially shampoo and conditioner) when one is allergic to perfume!

Also of great annoyance to me? Scented hairspray. I don't wear the stuff, but it's always the bane of my existence when others wear it a.) on airplanes, b.) near me on the bus and c.) in my home. It makes me have a lot of trouble breathing.