Sunday, July 09, 2006

Warts

Metaphorical: Chapter 2 of the dissertation. It's killing me to revise. Looks like I'll be behind by 1-2 days on my dissertation deadline calendar. Damn.

Literal: On the bottom of my feet. Every two to three summers, as I walk about in sandals, I manage to get several warts. And the over-the-counter stuff never helps.

In the past, this affliction has meant going to the campus "wart clinic"--yes, they actually have one--where the self-described "wart nurse" administers torture liquid nitrogen, bearing down into my flesh with the freezing-burning cotton swab. I scream for several minutes and then limp for a couple days afterward. After five or six treatments over a period of two or three months, the warts are still there, but I earn a referral to the very gatekept dermatologist, who then tries one more cheapo liquid nitrogen treatment before prescribing a topical ointment that makes the warts go away pronto.

But. . . I now have a CHOICE in doctors, since for this summer I have both student health insurance and Mr. Trillwing's insurance. Wheeeeee!

So I'm thinking that I'll skip the liquid nitrogen torture and instead make an appointment with Dr. Wonderful. Unfortunately, her office is busy, and unless I convince the receptionist that these are warts! of! imminent! doom! I may have to wait a couple of months to get in.

Once I do get an appointment, though, I may have trouble convincing her that the ointment I'm seeking is really for my feet.

Why?

Because the stuff that works on my feet, as prescribed by the campus dermatologist, is none other than genital wart cream.

Just imagine my first personal visit to Dr. Wonderful (who, to make things more awkward in this case, I've befriended outside the office): "Yeah. . . It's great to see you again. How are the kids? Hey, can I get some of that genital wart cream? Really, it's for my feet. Really."

3 comments:

ClizBiz said...

What's bizarre is that the only time I ever had a wart removed was in college and yes, I went to the student clinic. It was on my left index finger but that sucker had ROOTS.

So, what is it about academia and warts, Dr.?

With your fancy new degree, you can expect lots of "But why, Dr. Trillwing?" questions from me.

New Kid on the Hallway said...

Warts - ugh. I've had plantar warts (bottom of the feet) in the past, and when I was a kid I had to go to the doctor; when I was in grad school I managed to use some over the counter stuff that did the trick. But they really are a freaky affliction - I remember after using the OTC stuff, discovering that the wart really was this kind of plug just BURROWING into my foot. (The roots that clizbiz refers to!) It was fascinating in a kind of disgusting way.

Anyway, hope you get rid of yours soon!

phd me said...

Have you tried duct tape? Seriously. Cut a piece to cover the wart area plus a little beyond; stick on; leave. Don't ask me why it works but when I had foot warts, the doctor at the campus clinic actually advised I try tape first. She even referred me to a medical study that found duct tape was no more, no less effective than liquid nitrogen. Plus, it doesn't burn and it's cheap! You might try it until you can get to the doctor.